I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize