i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
