bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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