As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
