Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
