thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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