idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
