We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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