Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
