I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
