I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
