why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
