this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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