oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Are my feet made of real feet?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
