I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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