My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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