I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
