Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
