she woke up with a sticky ear
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
