oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize