someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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