I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
