My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
