does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm both gender and math confused
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
