I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
