Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
