Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
