I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
