I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
