10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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