i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
