OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We need to rekindle our bromance
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
