I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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