I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
