Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
