Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
