Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I looked at my own cervix.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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