My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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