somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
