Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
