My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
So here I am, sexting at work.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
