sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my shit smells like andre
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I lost the right to judge tonight
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Randomize
