fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
nutella sex= disaster
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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