Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
