either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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