so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
