Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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