i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
