I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
