I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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