Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
