I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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