Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize