i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
