dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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