Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize