Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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