I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
