Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
