I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
