she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
