Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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