I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
operation have a gay friend backfired
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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