Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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