don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
